How to Overcome Self-Abandonment: Part 1, Boundaries

When someone acts in a way that is disrespectful, hurtful, or simply makes you uncomfortable, what is your immediate reaction? Do you confront the person immediately or give them a pass? Do you find yourself creating excuses for their behavior such as, “It wasn’t that bad,” in order to avoid conflict? When you do decide to bring the situation to their attention, is your speech firm? Many of us fill our confrontational speech with jokes and words in order to soften our intentions. We prioritize the receiver’s comfort first and end up not delivering the intended message - thus leading to our feelings not being heard and boundaries not being clarified.

When we set boundaries, many of us prioritize everyone else in our approach in order to be kind or courteous with our declarations. We don’t want to hurt those we love, or make things uncomfortable. However, there is a fine line between being courteous and muddling down the communication of one’s desires indicative of understanding and respect. Continually prioritizing and justifying other people’s comfort over your own heart can be exhausting and eventually lead to resentment over time. Communicating your true needs creates a breakthrough in authenticity. To show up for yourself in this way illuminates truth(s) in more ways than one. Once you speak up, your needs and boundaries reflect off of that person. It gives an opportunity for them to show you who they are as well. If they cannot value a conversation about your boundaries, then the conversation displays an important dynamic to you. It can help you decide if they are a person that is compatible with your needs and if they have your best interest in mind.

If you are consistently put in situations that make you feel uncomfortable, then you learn that the situation (and/or the people, actions, or events that led to you being present in it) is not for you. The bravery to show up in those moments can save you valuable time and energy. You do not owe your time nor your energy to anyone or anything that harms you, puts you in an energetically taxing situation, or disrespects who you are. It is natural to find yourself in situations or relationships that push you out of your comfort zone, but it is important to remember that those decisions are your own to make.

Boundary setting is a difficult practice, but one that supports our most authentic selves. If we operate out of truth, then we are in a place to attract more of it easily in our lives. Our relationships are healthier, our actions are honest, and our time is spent in ways that serve our highest good. Empathy is a superpower, but only when it is used in a way that is not self-sacrificial. We do not have to accept anything and everything that happens to us for the sake of being "kind" or "understanding". The most kind and understanding thing we can do as individuals is to gift our boundaries to ourselves - so we can show up fully to others and open the door for them to do the same as well.

For Integration and Actualization:

What conversations can you have (safely) that can bring light to an issue or problem within your relationships? Are you able to speak about them to your friends or family? Do you feel you are unable to have them? Write out your issues and concerns that you would like them to know and any boundaries you would like to set. Using mindful speech and compassionate listening, have the conversation(s) when you’re ready. You may fear sharing how you feel or the truth about a situation. Try to calmly prepare for any response. If the person truly cares about you and your concern, they will be open to hearing what you have to say. If they do not respond well, then you may decide then if they are someone worth having in your life or if the conversation needs revisiting. This conversation may bring up feelings of resentment you may have, if this has been an on-going issue that has not been addressed. That is human, and that is okay! This may be a practice of releasing and forgiveness. The forgiveness I am offering, does not mean forget. The practice of releasing the situation in your heart does not have to involve the other person at all; nor does mean that you must be okay with them or what they did. It is a practice of letting go and moving forward towards the healing you alone must do, with or without their acknowledgement of the pain they caused.

I hope the practice of tending to your heart is fruitful and provides you with the strength to continue on your self-actualization journey. If you enjoyed this piece and are ready to take another step in your journey - dive into part two (coming soon) of the How to Overcome Self-abandonment series entitled "People Pleasing"!

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